Are You a Victim of the Victim Syndrome?

People who suffer from the victim syndrom are always complaining about the bad things that happen in their lives. Because they believe they have no control over the way events unfold, they don’t feel a sense of responsibility for them. One moment, they present themselves dramatically as victims; the next, they morph into victimizers, hurting the people trying to help them and leaving would-be helpers with a sense of utter frustration. People with a victim mentality display passive-aggressive characteristics when interacting with others. Their behavior has a self-defeating, almost masochistic quality. The victim style becomes a relational mode - a life affirming activity: I am miserable therefore I am. 

In this article, Dutch researcher Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries presents three examples of people with this syndrome and a checklist that can be used to identify sufferers. He also discusses the concept of secondary gain -the benefits people get from perpetuating a problem- and the developmental origins of the victim mind-set. The article ends with advice on how to help people who suffer from the victim syndrome.

Do you know people who always behave like victims? People who blame others when bad things happen to them? And do they blame their family, partner, people at work, or any number of things that they perceive to be victimizing them? The world these people live in appears to be peopled by victims, victimizers, and occasional rescuers.

And if you have ever tried helping them, have you discovered that - rescuing them from the trouble they are in can be an excruciating process? 

Do you resent the way every bit of advice you offer is brushed aside or rejected, often contemptuously? If any of these observations apply, you may be dealing with people who suffer from the victim syndrome. These are people who always complain about the bad things that happen in their lives, due to circumstances beyond their control. Nothing feels right to them. Trouble follows them wherever they go. 

This is not to suggest that they are making it up. On the contrary, there is always truth in their stories. Bad things happen to all of us; that’s life. It’s not a rose garden. But there are many different ways of dealing with the difficulties that come our way. Most of us, when faced with life’s obstacles, do something about them and get on with it. But people with a victim mentality are incapable of doing so. Their negative outlook on life transforms every setback into a major drama. Even their way of absorbing information causes chaos and stress. 

To complicate this already difficult equation, people suffering from the victim syndrome are prone to aggravate the mess in which they find themselves. Strange as it may sound, they are often victims by choice. And ironically, they are frequently successful in finding willing victimizers. 

Worse, people with a victim mentality are very difficult to handle. They have an extremely fatalistic outlook on life. 

Because they believe they have no control over the way events unfold, they have a poor sense of responsibility. Every negative outcome in their life is attributed to people or circumstances beyond their control. Every effort made to help them, or to present a solution to their predicament, is met by a huge arsenal of reasons why it will not work, some of them quite ingenious. Their problems are apparently unique and therefore insoluble. They appear always to be trying to prove the helper wrong. Anyone prepared to help them is left with a sense of utter frustration. 

People with a victim mentality are passive-aggressive in their interactions with others. The passive-aggressive style is a very subtle, indirect, or behind-the-scenes way of getting what they want and expressing anger without openly acknowledging it, or directly confronting the source of it. People who feel powerless usually resort to the passive-aggressive mode. 

Because they have difficulty acknowledging their anger directly (given the way they feel about themselves), they seem superficially compliant to others’ needs, but are experts in passive resistance. The blame game is part of victims’ repertoire. Although their own actions are responsible for whatever situation they find themselves in, they are very talented at finding excuses why things don’t work out. A common means of getting their way is to lay guilt trips on others through various kinds of emotional blackmail. They will sulk, pout, withdraw, bungle, make excuses, and lie. Their talent at sending mixed messages catches others off guard. With these people we can never be entirely sure what was said or what is expected.

Read more at: http://ssrn.com/abstract=2116238 -- https://www.researchgate.net/publication/256028208_Are_You_a_Victim_of_the_Victim_Syndrome